Comfort's Stand-Up Comedy Routine
Copyright 1999
MUST BE 18 OR OLDER TO VIEW
For the would-be comedian in you, look for Judy Carter's
Stand-Up Comedy Book on sale at:
http://www.amazon.com or http://www.wal-mart.com/
Just remember! We're not talking Brain Surgery Here!
And that some adult language was used in my routine!
This Routine Is A Work In Progress
And is a result of exercises in: Judy Carter's
Stand-Up Comedy The Book!
(There is a two drink! - Huh, too drunk minimum?)
WELCOME TO CLUB COMFORT DESIREE
Opening Night Jitters!
Everyone, comes down with opening night jitters... To help myself through them; I try to think of the worse case scenarios possible.
Like: What if I were doing a Stand-Up routine for the Lord? Would words such as: dad-blamed & gol-darn be considered a racy act? And the last thing I'd want to perform is a KILLER routine!
Let's face it... With that in mind, even if I bombed with an audience; it couldn't be any worse than the time I scrubbed the family commode with my lover's toothbrush and forgot to tell him about it!
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Philosophy 101
Give me a roof over my head - A beer in my belly - And a can of air-freshener to make my day smell like roses!
(1st Set)
(Look for woman in audience). Hey, Girlfriend! Can we talk? You know... It's true what they say about narcotics... I was a Heroin addict, and had to give it up when it lead to Marijuna.
Addiction can be an ugly thing! -- fashion wise that is!
You've seen it at your computer terminal. Dressed in a wetsuits and pair of U.V. sun blocker's; surfing the Internet. Frightening!!! Just plain frightening!!! Like a cross between a Gedget rerun and a rubber chicken deodorant cream... Frightening!!!
(2nd Set)
"What I really wanted to speak to you about, is my problem with laxative abuse."
At first, It merely lead to inconveniences such as: When all the other boys & girls were asking Santa for two front teeth... I'd be asking him for say, 2-ply toilet tissue.
Then in my teen years, when my boyfriend and I were experimenting with sex. I had a little accident about midway through, that left him feeling shit-faced and confused?
How embarrassing! While all my friends mothers & fathers were encouraging their daughters to marry doctors & lawyers... My folks were encouraging me to date with the Roto-Rooter man.
Toilet tissue! Now there's a couple of words I can't relate being spoken together. I mean, toilet paper yeah! But every time I hear the words toilet tissue spoken; I get this strange vision in my head, of tiny little Elf turds gift wrapped under our Christmas-tree each season. Talk about your yuletide logs!
(3rd Set)
Then there's the problem I'm having with my pussy!
So are you a cat owner?
How many cat owners are there in the audience? (Could I have a show of hands please?)
(After show of hands,) Lie, lie, liars of you all! You know good and well, no one ever owns a cat.
First: a cat adopts YOU! Secondly: they let YOU, care for them. And if you're real lucky... They'll let you change their litter box just before they crap all over your carpets.
Then there's the furniture ripped to shreds, as they sharpening their claws before leaving some blood gushing wound on your hands and ankles.
But you know you've got to love them! Cause if you kill em', You'll have the American Humane Association for Animals, Insects, and Pets on your ass!
Boots: That's the cat that let's us live in the house with her. She's in heat at the moment! She's so cute the way she scrunches up her little heinie and coos... Yeah! That's our Boots! She's one coo, coo, kitty.
You know, she's bi-sack-ual? She'll play in paper... Or, plastic.
Last Halloween I threatened to put her ass in the first trick-or-treat sack that came along. I suppose we should have taken down all those: "Beware of the cat signs," before they had a chance to read them.
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Why is it? That a Tom cat can't smell something right under his nose. Yet the moment your female cat comes into heat; you have every Tom for a 5 mile radius hanging out in your yard!
(4th Set)
Weight is a real issue for me... I'd say I've tried every fad diet known to women. Fortunately, I found one designed for blondes. I did great on it too! Lost 54 lbs in brain cells, in less than a week. Unfortunately, like most fad diets; I gained it all back. You might even say I give new meaning to the term: "SMART ASS!" I suppose it's true what they say? "The END; justifies the jeans!"
(5th set)
Have you ever noticed how they open these diet clinics right next door to the fast food joints? Or how immediately after sweatin' to the oldies, everyone rushes next door for a quick burger and a bucket of fried chicken, ‘cause now their too tired to fix dinner? Okay! So there they are kicked back in their easy chairs, surfin' the tub with their remote; when on comes a diet Infomercial and someone holds up some really disgusting looking glop of saturated fat, and says, "This is 5 lbs of body fat!" Now in haste, they fling their chicken across the room, giving the family pet a concussion, as they rush to the full length mirror to observe themselves. First the television screen, next the mirror, now back to the screen, while mumbling under their breaths... "Huh! Doesn't look half bad, once you dress it up in some skin!"
(6th set)
Comfort's Beauty Tip Of The Day:
Girlfriend, when your ass be smelling funky! Use, "Funk Be Gone;" a beauty product made solely from the by-products of: Chicken Fat & Daisy Petals. It's guarantied to leave your tush smelling fresh as a daisy; and finger-lickin' clean.
(7th set)
Is it just me? Or are these phone commercials getting out of hand? Just yesterday, I saw Tarzan & Jane advertising long distance phone calls from: A Tree & Tree. And if that wasn't bad enough... M.C.I. was trying to reach them with a better offer; but couldn't get through, because their vine was busy.
(8th set)
I hate Soap-Operas... They remind me of Lawrence Welk ah polka, polka, polkin' the fat lady's gas bobbles out of her, while she sings.
"I once wanted to save the world..." "Now I just want enough closet space to save my stuff."
(9th set)
I play the lottery... Do you play the lottery? In church, you're always hearing some poor shmoe, give testimony that they are a born again Christian. To me, a born again Christian; is someone who plays the lottery. Lord, just let me win the lottery, and I'll give up cursing. Lord, just let me win the lottery, and I'll give up drinking. Lord, just let me win the lottery, and I'll give up plundering. My personal favorite, are those who give the Lord 2 for 1 odds... Lord, just let me win the lottery, and I'll give up plundering & drinking. Now that's, a born again Christian in my book!
(10th set)
Can we talk about the sexes? Writing one's name in the snow, is "NOT," an impressive issue in a relationship. Besides, as a woman, I'm quite content to squat; leaving my mark upon the world. After all; behind every successful sentence is a period.
(11th set)
I'm proud of being a woman lib'er! But confused by its definition in the dictionary. It said: "Woman lib'er!" One that is equivalent to an outhouse, that can't keep her trap shut?
(12th set)
What if a female to male and a male to female transsexuals met and fell in love? Would they still have their Sexual Reassignment Surgeries? Or would they just leave things hanging as they are?
(13th set)
I recently had a tragic experience, while using one of those computer dating agencies; and discovered quite by accident, that I had a multiple identity complex... It seems I was my perfect dream date; and took liberties with myself. When I pleaded with myself to stop. I became violent, and was date raped. My trial comes up next week!
(14th set)
Have you ever noticed the similarities between owning a car and marriage? First: You've got to get your spouse gassed; before you can get frisky! Secondly: You're allowed to toot hers hooters; but it takes a license to go all the way. Finally: Before marriage, you'er both hot Ferraris ready for action... After marriage, you're both dragging your cans down the street.
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I just love sucking on Gummi-Bears! But I had to give them up...
The chronic eyestrain I got determining their sex beforehand; was murder!
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(Closing)
You've been a sweet audience! Give yourselves a hand - (job!)
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Twisted Sister: (An example in sick humor!)
Have you ever heard of the band, Twisted Sister? I had a twisted sister once. She had Polio... You know the great thing about having Polio is: You never have to take drugs at a party to get high. You be TRIPPIN' from the time you arrive, until you STUMBLE out the door when you leave. I'm sorry to say, I never could get along with my babe sister. She'd be on my BACK, at least three times a day... Breakfast, lunch and dinner; I'd have to DRAG her ass downstairs to our dining-room table, for her meals. One morning her chair was empty, and mom asked me what had happened to my babe sister? I simply told her, she'd ran away for home to enroll in college for the FALL courses! It was years later, (and God, did Mom and I have a great laugh over it;) when I told her the truth of what had really happened. You see, I had DRUG my babe sister down to the Post Office in the middle of the night, Addressed and covered her ass in postage stamps; sending her to Niagara FALLS; where she would have something in common and enjoy the scenery. Thank God, I had had the foresight to send her before the Postal rates changed.
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